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05.31.2012

You Can't Make This Wine Shit Up!

dr_ruth.jpgSuperstar rocker Maynard James Keenan, who recently decided Arizona wasn't hot enough for making wine and moved to growing vines in the Gobi Desert, recently got Dr. Ruth Westheimer drunk off her ass, fed her some human flesh, seduced her, and now the two of them now have a love child.

Or something like that. Bat boy has escaped again.

The internets are a wonderful thing. Not only do they permit the atrocious yet topically appropriate grammar displayed by the previous sentence, they bring us glorious tales of the wine world's reality that are too precious to imagine.

The aforementioned Mr. Keenan, who has indeed taken to making wine (a fact that was profiled in a documentary entitled Blood into Wine, in which I appeared), was recently asked a rather odd question during a media interview. The interviewer wanted to know the appropriate wine pairing for human flesh, given the recent cannibalism epidemic. Keenan, apparently didn't miss a beat.

Sadly unrelated, wine appears to be a hot product for China and Inner Mongolia, thanks to vineyards at the edges of the Gobi Desert. There's even a Loire Valley winemaker helping the stuff get made. Apparently most of the production ends up in the hands of local functionaries and businesspeople, so don't look for it on shelves near you anytime soon.

What you SHOULD keep an eye out for, however, are the new series of wines from the one, the only, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who wants you to get drunk (just a little) and get laid (a whole lot). To that end she's marketing a new line of lower alcohol (because while it helps libido, it hurts performance) wines with the idea that we all get a little lubricated before we get, well, you know. Vin d'Amour, indeed. The real question is whether a bottle of 6% alcohol wine with her face on it will really get anyone in the mood. I do know it's gonna make about as good a gag gift as Hello Kitty Wine.

Keep it coming Internets. I'm drinking it up!

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