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06.06.2011

Wine Drinkers in Pennsylvania Begin to Escape the Borg

plcb_kiosk.jpgUnless you live in a fascist or totalitarian state already, you have probably not been aware of the grave and insidious threat that was gradually infiltrating the world of wine. Machines, smelted in the depths of the earth, engineered by an evil committee of subhuman overlords, have slowly threatened to take over the wine industry in Pennsylvania.

Cousins to the passive aggressive computer HAL that talked its way into a starring role in Stanley Kubrick's film 2001, these machines exist for one terrible purpose: to frustrate wine lovers in Pennsylvania to the point that they'd rather eat shards of broken glass than buy a bottle of wine.

I fired a warning shot across the bow of the advancing metallic hordes when I first learned of their existence. My attack was heeded by my fellow wine lovers, but even together we were no match for the strength of the PA Bureaucracy, and their heartless machines.

But then a chink in their armor revealed itself, and some awoke to find themselves the slaves of machines. These brave few realized they had to escape their servitude, and a movement was born.

And today, it is with great joy that I announce what seems to be an impending uprising. Pennsylvanians are throwing off the shackles of their digital wine enslavement, and standing up to the forces of the PLCB, saying, "No More!"

Wegmans has destroyed 10 of the monsters, and there are rumblings that others will rise up and overthrow their wine machine overlords.

Let us pray for our Pennsylvanian brothers and sisters in this darkest of hours. And if you can, for heaven's sake, send them some wine to drink.

More here.

Comments (6)

1WineDude wrote:
06.07.11 at 8:40 AM

Yes, we're glad here in PA to start seeing these things go, but saying that they are merciless monsters is taking things a bit too fa--- kldnoishdf 8ds ndifhosdh fo hey what's going on with my Internet connec---- zzmijvo jocv 9 xcijxocijioxcj AAARRRGHH!!!!!!

JR Seaman wrote:
06.08.11 at 7:47 AM

Good Lord it is Skynet's twin brother!! How long did it take the reporter to get a bottle of wine? Where is the human interaction? What is up with the breath breathalyzer test? Good thing these monsters are being distorted.

KLG wrote:
06.08.11 at 10:22 PM

Pennsylvania will see these things go. And it is good that these monsters are being destroyed.

tom barras wrote:
06.09.11 at 2:09 PM

Another example of the DMV and UPS mentality of how capable the govt is at satisfying our needs. Apparently, going to a retail store of our choice to buy the wine of our choice is better handled by a relative of HAL and an outsourced idiot who is waiting for us to blow into a machine to prove that we're not already .08 on the inebration scale.

billy d williams wrote:
06.10.11 at 8:04 AM

PA stinks. The LCB has control over everything. you can't get liquor in grocery stores or gas stations like you can in other states. It has to be from specifically designated sales places (mostly state liquor stores or independent retailers like a pizza place with a booze permit). Bars close at 2. Liquor stores close at 9. It's one of the most restrictive states for alcohol.

Jason Cohen wrote:
06.19.11 at 2:44 PM

I apologize for entering the convo a bit late, but in my official capacity as a Pennsylvania alcoholic, I'd like to say that I've yet to see one of these hilarious little machines (and frankly I feel a bit cheated by the lost opportunities for vandalism...)

As for the PLCB...I've got to give them some credit for fighting hard to keep themselves alive. Selection at my go-to PA state stores has improved over the past months, and there are some crazy good deals to be found, even outside of the Chairman's Selection program.

No, it's not enough to make up for the whole "unjust puritanical monopoly" thing, but it's also not quite as bad here as people make it out to be.

I REALLY wish the PLCB would do more to promote PA wineries, however...

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