Unless you live in a fascist or totalitarian state already, you have probably not been aware of the grave and insidious threat that was gradually infiltrating the world of wine. Machines, smelted in the depths of the earth, engineered by an evil committee of subhuman overlords, have slowly threatened to take over the wine industry in Pennsylvania.
Cousins to the passive aggressive computer HAL that talked its way into a starring role in Stanley Kubrick's film 2001, these machines exist for one terrible purpose: to frustrate wine lovers in Pennsylvania to the point that they'd rather eat shards of broken glass than buy a bottle of wine.
I fired a warning shot across the bow of the advancing metallic hordes when I first learned of their existence. My attack was heeded by my fellow wine lovers, but even together we were no match for the strength of the PA Bureaucracy, and their heartless machines.
But then a chink in their armor revealed itself, and some awoke to find themselves the slaves of machines. These brave few realized they had to escape their servitude, and a movement was born.
And today, it is with great joy that I announce what seems to be an impending uprising. Pennsylvanians are throwing off the shackles of their digital wine enslavement, and standing up to the forces of the PLCB, saying, "No More!"
Wegmans has destroyed 10 of the monsters, and there are rumblings that others will rise up and overthrow their wine machine overlords.
Let us pray for our Pennsylvanian brothers and sisters in this darkest of hours. And if you can, for heaven's sake, send them some wine to drink.
A wine book like no other. Photographs, essays, and wine recommendations. 2015 Roederer Award Winner.Learn more.
Holiday Gift Guide for the Wine Lover Who Has Everything I'll Drink to That: Andrew McNamara of The Court of Master Sommeliers Vinography Unboxed: Week of November 22, 2015 I'll Drink to That: Bruce Neyers of Neyers Vineyards Vinography Images: Rows of Gold A Lonely Hillside: The Wines of Alto de la Ballena, Uruguay I'll Drink to That: Karen MacNeil The Most Untrustworthy Wine in the World Wine News: What I'm Reading the Week of 11/22 I'll Drink to That: CP Lin of Erewhon
Wine Will Never Smell the Same Again: Luca Turin and the Science of Scent Forlorn Hope: The Remarkable Wines of Matthew Rorick Debating Robert Parker At His Invitation Passopisciaro Winery, Etna, Sicily: Current Releases Should We Care What Winemakers Say? The Sweet Taste of Freedom: Austria's Ruster Ausbruch Wines 2009 Burgundy Vintage According to Domaine de la Romanée-Conti Charles Banks: The New Man Behind Mayacamas Wine from the Caldera: The Incredible Viticulture of Santorini Why Community Tasting Notes Sites Will Fail Chateau Rayas and the 2012 Vintage of Chateauneuf-du-Pape A Life Indomitable: The Wines of Casal Santa Maria, Portugal Bay Area Bordeaux: Tasting Santa Cruz Mountain Cabernets Forgotten Jewels: Reviving Chile's Old Vine Carignane The First-Timer's Guide to Les Trois Glorieuses of Hospices de Beaune