Cocaine is Not a Good Substitute for a Nice Glass of Wine

Listen, wine drinkers. I know times are tough. Everyone has less disposable income these days, and it’s tougher than ever to justify paying a lot for wine. That’s why champagne sales have plummeted, and there’s a constant fire sale on most wines that cost more than $100 these days.

We all have to do what we can to manage in these economic times, and if that means cutting back on wine consumption, or buying lower priced bottles, so be it. There are other things that are more important than wine, so it’s OK to trade down a little.

But whatever you do, please don’t start snorting cocaine instead of drinking wine now that it’s cheaper than a good glass of Cabernet.

For starters, it’s nowhere near as good for your health. Studies have shown that cocaine has much less resveratrol and antioxidants than red wine, and perforated septums aren’t so handy for those who enjoy the aromas of a fine claret.

Don’t get me started on the latest trends in cocaine and food pairing. The shit is an appetite suppressant for crying out loud! Don’t believe anyone who tells you that a line or two perfectly complements a nice piece of grilled fish.

And frankly it’s anti-social. Sure, you can do a line after your buddy, or have a romantic moment snorting the same line as your girlfriend so your rolled up dollar bills meet in the middle for a little tooter tango, but you just can’t linger over a gram the way you can with a glass of wine in your hand. OK, so it doesn’t stain like red wine, but if you’re worried about that, just drink Riesling.

Spend less on wine if you must. Buy the $3 bottles at the grocery store, but don’t give up on it just because you can feel like Superman for an hour. At least a few glasses of wine won’t land you in jail unless you do something stupid like drive home afterward.

Concerned citizens are encouraged to donate funds to WHACKD, Winemakers Against Cocaine Killer Discounts.