Unless you live in a fascist or totalitarian state already, you have probably not been aware of the grave and insidious threat that was gradually infiltrating the world of wine. Machines, smelted in the depths of the earth, engineered by an evil committee of subhuman overlords, have slowly threatened to take over the wine industry in Pennsylvania.
Cousins to the passive aggressive computer HAL that talked its way into a starring role in Stanley Kubrick’s film 2001, these machines exist for one terrible purpose: to frustrate wine lovers in Pennsylvania to the point that they’d rather eat shards of broken glass than buy a bottle of wine.
I fired a warning shot across the bow of the advancing metallic hordes when I first learned of their existence. My attack was heeded by my fellow wine lovers, but even together we were no match for the strength of the PA Bureaucracy, and their heartless machines.
But then a chink in their armor revealed itself, and some awoke to find themselves the slaves of machines. These brave few realized they had to escape their servitude, and a movement was born.
And today, it is with great joy that I announce what seems to be an impending uprising. Pennsylvanians are throwing off the shackles of their digital wine enslavement, and standing up to the forces of the PLCB, saying, “No More!”
Wegmans has destroyed 10 of the monsters, and there are rumblings that others will rise up and overthrow their wine machine overlords.
Let us pray for our Pennsylvanian brothers and sisters in this darkest of hours. And if you can, for heaven’s sake, send them some wine to drink.
