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09.25.2012

Wine Can Save You From Serial Killers, Divorce, and Bad Roommates

bigstock-Lunatic-In-A-Straitjacket-28448195.jpgWe all knew wine was good for you, but now it turns out to be a complete lifesaver. Here's how to protect yourself with wine. The next time you're out on a first date, or your next occasion interviewing a roommate, employee, or mail-order spouse, make sure to give them a glass of wine. As them to swirl it carefully, sniff deeply, and then tell you what they smell. They may demure, and appear uncomfortable to be put on the spot, but put them at ease, and tell them you are deeply interested in what they might smell in the wine.

If they can't come up with anything good, or if they even admit they can't smell anything, then run like hell. Because they're probably a psychopath.

Yes, that's right. According to research results released last week, most psychopaths have an impaired sense of smell.

Sure, you could do the same trick with a rotten egg, but who carries one of them around all the time? No, wine is most certainly the best psychopath detector, and it has calming effects, which minimizes the danger of getting hacked to pieces with a machete on the first date, having your tongue stapled to the desk when the job interview goes bad, or waking up 15 years into the marriage and realizing you're married to an insane person.

Of course, we all know that psychopaths have the ability to be extremely charming, and can easily pull the wool over people's eyes. Which is where the corked wine comes in. Yes, you finally have a good use for that TCA-tainted wine that smells like wet cardboard. When you need an extra-special, utterly-failproof test for psychopaths, just pour them some corked wine and see what they say. If they can't smell anything, they're probably a psychopath. If they try to bluff their way through describing alluring aromas while making sustained eye-contact over the rim of the glass? Call. The. Police. I recommend having 911 queued up on your speed-dial for moments like this.

Yes, if you're a wine lover, you can now rest even easier. In addition to being good for your heart, wine will be there to save you from falling prey to the world's most devious human predators. The world's safest places will be wine bars from now on. As if you needed any more of an excuse?

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Required Reading for Wine Lovers

The Oxford Companion to Wine by Jancis Robinson The Taste of Wine by Emile Peynaud Adventures on the Wine Route by Kermit Lynch Love By the Glass by Dorothy Gaiter & John Brecher Noble Rot by William Echikson The Science of Wine by Jamie Goode The Judgement of Paris by George Taber The Wine Bible by Karen MacNeil The Botanist and the Vintner by Christy Campbell The Emperor of Wine by Elin McCoy The World Atlas of Wine by Hugh Johnson The World's Greatest Wine Estates by Robert M. Parker, Jr.