Finding Pirate Treasure With a Corkscrew

Ah, the lure of Pirate Treasure. Who doesn’t enjoy the thrill of the search for a shipwreck? Growing up, the few times I got the opportunity to watch Jacques Cousteau search the ocean bottom found me wide-eyed with giddy delight. As I got older and grew out of my metal detector wielding, mineral collecting habits, in part thanks to their social stigma, I began to think that perhaps not everyone was quite so enthusiastic about buried treasure.

Today, of course, I’m completely validated in my fascination with treasure hunting, thanks to the incredible proliferation of reality TV shows focused on the topic. “Diggers,” “Jungle Gold,” “Gold Fever,” “Treasure Hunters,” “Gold Rush: The Dirt,” “Alaskan: A Modern Day Gold Rush,” “Bering Sea Gold” — these are all real shows watched by tens of thousands of people.

But who would have guessed that I’d find an overlap between treasure hunting and wine?

It’s now clear that there’s a real market for wine salvaged from shipwrecks. First there was the Titanic wine, then there were those gorgeous old bottles of Veuve Cliquot from the Baltic sea, one of which sold for $156,000.

And this week, a bunch of sommeliers popped the cork on some Civil War-era wine from the shipwreck of the Mary-Celestia, an old ironside ship that sank off the coast of Bermuda in 1864.

Forget that it smelled like “camphor, stagnant water, hydrocarbons, turpentine and sulphur” according to a report in ABC News. It tasted like “crab water, gasoline, salt water and vinegar, with hints of citrus and alcohol.” We all know that a hint of citrus can be the difference between gag inducing and quite pleasant. It works for dental hygiene products, why wouldn’t it work for wine?

Regardless, I’m sold on the concept of shipwreck wine, so I’m happy to share with you the announcement that I’ve incorporated a company solely focused on the location, retrieval, and sale of shipwreck wine. We’re going to find it, drink half of it, and then auction the rest off to bidders from around the world at staggeringly high prices.

Now all I need is a name. Drunken Salvage has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

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Photo of divers exploring a shipwreck courtesy of Bigstock