I knew it. I just knew it. It was only a matter of time before science finally caught on to something I've known all along: if I drink enough wine, I get superpowers.
Scientists have been getting closer and closer to this discovery for years. Why just a few days ago I got definitive proof that all this red wine I'm drinking will make me live longer and be healthier.
But up until recently scientists still hadn't managed to unearth the true secret properties of wine that have given me the power to tell really funny jokes, be more attractive to women, make everyone like me, and sound a lot smarter than I really am.
I've been covertly working on the right combination of wines to boost these superpowers to an even higher level, where I might be able to use them to fight crime. But now it appears that the gig is up, as we superheroes say.
In addition to the revelation that drinking wine can actually help women control their weight, scientists have discovered that wine (and sake, I might add) turn certain metals in superconductors, and my hopes of mastering the art of levitation (and one of those nifty plasma beams like Iron Man has got) go right out the window.
Pretty soon everyone will be doing cold fusion with a little Cabernet, and I won't be special anymore. That is, until I drink enough, and I become the funniest guy in the room again.
A wine book like no other. Photographs, essays, and wine recommendations. Learn more.
What's Holding Wine Back in America Vinography Images: From the Fog The World's First Wine Bar Vinography Unboxed: Week of May 31, 2015 Vinography Images: Sky Drama Secrets of the World's Best Wine Lists Vinography Unboxed: Week of May 24, 2015 Vinography Images: The Happy Canyon Drinking Time Itself: The Champagnes of Anselme Selosse The Great Prosecco Crisis of 2015
Wine Will Never Smell the Same Again: Luca Turin and the Science of Scent Forlorn Hope: The Remarkable Wines of Matthew Rorick Debating Robert Parker At His Invitation Passopisciaro Winery, Etna, Sicily: Current Releases Should We Care What Winemakers Say? The Sweet Taste of Freedom: Austria's Ruster Ausbruch Wines 2009 Burgundy Vintage According to Domaine de la Romanée-Conti Charles Banks: The New Man Behind Mayacamas Wine from the Caldera: The Incredible Viticulture of Santorini Why Community Tasting Notes Sites Will Fail Chateau Rayas and the 2012 Vintage of Chateauneuf-du-Pape A Life Indomitable: The Wines of Casal Santa Maria, Portugal Bay Area Bordeaux: Tasting Santa Cruz Mountain Cabernets Forgotten Jewels: Reviving Chile's Old Vine Carignane The First-Timer's Guide to Les Trois Glorieuses of Hospices de Beaune