Wine Provides Superpowers

I knew it. I just knew it. It was only a matter of time before science finally caught on to something I've known all along: if I drink enough wine, I get superpowers.

Scientists have been getting closer and closer to this discovery for years. Why just a few days ago I got definitive proof that all this red wine I'm drinking will make me live longer and be healthier.

But up until recently scientists still hadn't managed to unearth the true secret properties of wine that have given me the power to tell really funny jokes, be more attractive to women, make everyone like me, and sound a lot smarter than I really am.

I've been covertly working on the right combination of wines to boost these superpowers to an even higher level, where I might be able to use them to fight crime. But now it appears that the gig is up, as we superheroes say.

In addition to the revelation that drinking wine can actually help women control their weight, scientists have discovered that wine (and sake, I might add) turn certain metals in superconductors, and my hopes of mastering the art of levitation (and one of those nifty plasma beams like Iron Man has got) go right out the window.

Pretty soon everyone will be doing cold fusion with a little Cabernet, and I won't be special anymore. That is, until I drink enough, and I become the funniest guy in the room again.

Posted by: Alder on August 4, 2010 9:43 PM: Share this post elsewhere Digg it! - Add to del.icio.us - Add to Stumbleupon - Add to Reddit; Filed under: Ramblings and Rants

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Comments (6)

1WineDude wrote:

08.05.10 at 7:39 AM

Sure, but what do our religious text say of this revelation?!???

;-)

Alder Yarrow wrote:

08.05.10 at 12:09 PM

Wine Dude,

Apparently religious text and wine are not exactly destined for each other in this country: http://fermentation.typepad.com/fermentation/2010/08/targeting-the-market-of-atheist-wine-drinkers.html

Richard wrote:

08.06.10 at 9:02 AM

What a brilliant, insightful, incredble, and perspicacious commentary. You must have been drinking when you wrote it... how else can one explain the sheer genius of your observations, pithy commentary, and outright sagacity.

BaroloDude wrote:

08.06.10 at 2:27 PM

HERTZ Cellars indeed.

Lisa Mattson wrote:

08.08.10 at 9:18 AM

This post begs the question: What is your wine kryptonite?

Christopher Robinson wrote:

08.08.10 at 11:15 PM

Apparently the Large Haldron Collider failed to fine the Higgs Bosun but did discover Rober Parker at the centre of a parallel universe!